Author Topic: ....and here I am now...!  (Read 6140 times)

GrindCustoms

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....and here I am now...!
« on: February 01, 2018, 03:03:10 PM »
Hi everybody... ..it's been a while!

I don't really know where to start since there's so much that have been happening, wich have lead to my "decline" if i can say so.

First, i meant for a long time now to make this thread, give some explanation but i was'nt able, a mix of ego, pride, shame, anxiety... was keeping me from acting.

I have to sincerly thank Dave (pickdropper) for his constant communication with me, as i was'nt answering anyone else.... ...thing that should'nt, that. He truly helped me have some confidence into confronting myself and do what i'm doing right now.

So yeah... long story short...
After 3.5 years of working up North, Fly-In jobs, getting back home and working aswell it slowly drifted me away from building, working on new projects, in the end all my motivation was gone, for pretty much everything in life.
I sure was fooling around with my Jeep and later on with my car... ...as some of you have probably seen on Facebook... ...that acted as a "plaster" as i need to be busy with stuff, but i need concrete results and satisfaction in the little time that i was off...

Anyway... this past summer i've come to a dead end... ...i've quited my job up in the Arctic, the morning i was suppose to leave house to go at the airport, i made the biggest anxiety crisis i ever had... ...and ended at the hospital.
The sum of this... ...is that i have "confined depression", after lots of meetings with specialist and what not, going back in my past... ...it was making many years that i was'nt in a good mental health... ...and that i should have reached for help sooner, wich i now did and continue too.

The consequence is that i had to completely stop my job up North, wich was a bit hard for me, as i'm a hardworker and put lots of pride in that, feeling weak is a thing, admitting and assuming it... ...is the hardest part, i have yet to come over that part.

I'm pretty sure that there's a big mixmatch of feelings towards me in regards of my "let go" and i totally understand it. I'm not writing this thread to get apologize or whatever, i'm doing it for me... ...so i can just feel better about it and feel better for all the people that have put enormous work into  GCFX, truth be told, if it was'nt of the crew, nothing would have happened with that endehavior of mine... ...so yeah, feel free to express yourself, in a nice or mean manner, it's all good! ;)

As i'm writing this, the website is being put back online, i'll make an effort to get stocked again on the many projects and mostly, offer support over here for those who build our stuff. That is my main goal.

ApetoneFX (Jubal81 projects) will no longer be on the page, there's still un-settled matters between me and Jason and that also need to be "fixed".

I know this is all erratic, but it's the best i could do to express myself about this subject, at least i've shown up...

Cheers!

Rej
Killing Unicorns, day after day...

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pickdropper

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2018, 03:07:05 PM »
Welcome back, Rej.  Iím happy to see you around here again.
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blearyeyes

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2018, 03:11:31 PM »
Hi everybody... ..it's been a while!

I don't really know where to start since there's so much that have been happening, wich have lead to my "decline" if i can say so.

First, i meant for a long time now to make this thread, give some explanation but i was'nt able, a mix of ego, pride, shame, anxiety... was keeping me from acting.

I have to sincerly thank Dave (pickdropper) for his constant communication with me, as i was'nt answering anyone else.... ...thing that should'nt, that. He truly helped me have some confidence into confronting myself and do what i'm doing right now.

So yeah... long story short...
After 3.5 years of working up North, Fly-In jobs, getting back home and working aswell it slowly drifted me away from building, working on new projects, in the end all my motivation was gone, for pretty much everything in life.
I sure was fooling around with my Jeep and later on with my car... ...as some of you have probably seen on Facebook... ...that acted as a "plaster" as i need to be busy with stuff, but i need concrete results and satisfaction in the little time that i was off...

Anyway... this past summer i've come to a dead end... ...i've quited my job up in the Arctic, the morning i was suppose to leave house to go at the airport, i made the biggest anxiety crisis i ever had... ...and ended at the hospital.
The sum of this... ...is that i have "confined depression", after lots of meetings with specialist and what not, going back in my past... ...it was making many years that i was'nt in a good mental health... ...and that i should have reached for help sooner, wich i now did and continue too.

The consequence is that i had to completely stop my job up North, wich was a bit hard for me, as i'm a hardworker and put lots of pride in that, feeling weak is a thing, admitting and assuming it... ...is the hardest part, i have yet to come over that part.

I'm pretty sure that there's a big mixmatch of feelings towards me in regards of my "let go" and i totally understand it. I'm not writing this thread to get apologize or whatever, i'm doing it for me... ...so i can just feel better about it and feel better for all the people that have put enormous work into  GCFX, truth be told, if it was'nt of the crew, nothing would have happened with that endehavior of mine... ...so yeah, feel free to express yourself, in a nice or mean manner, it's all good! ;)

As i'm writing this, the website is being put back online, i'll make an effort to get stocked again on the many projects and mostly, offer support over here for those who build our stuff. That is my main goal.

ApetoneFX (Jubal81 projects) will no longer be on the page, there's still un-settled matters between me and Jason and that also need to be "fixed".

I know this is all erratic, but it's the best i could do to express myself about this subject, at least i've shown up...

Cheers!

Rej
Ahh.. Rej! So good to have you back. You've been missed by a lot of people.  I get what you are going through. I did the same thing. Crashed and burned. After 10 years of being a forensic video examiner I could not work anymore.  Too much stress anxiety and ugly law enforcement videos. I started drinking vodka into oblivion. Finally had to get help and I am glad I did.   I hope you get back on your feet. Just know that there are a lot of people that give a sh*t about you.
I sometimes build pedals as "Dan"
I built peddles for Bat Thumbís car.

brucer

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2018, 03:41:22 PM »
Nice to hear from you Rej.  Sorry to hear that you hit a low point, but very good to hear that you've started the journey back to a positive place.  Best positive thoughts to you on that process. 

The fall can be hard (I know from experience), but be kind to yourself.  You're not alone in reaching that low point, nor in finding your way back.  People care about you and things will knit themselves together again.  For real.

selfdestroyer

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2018, 03:41:48 PM »
Welcome back Rej, missed your brother! Time to continue destroying the earth with sonic destruction!

If you need ANYTHING just holler!

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2018, 03:49:36 PM »
glad to have you on here again and best of luck with all of your future endeavors. I hope everything turns back to normal for you.
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Adam_MD

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2018, 03:52:47 PM »
Welcome back Rej.

gordo

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2018, 03:55:55 PM »
Holy shit Rej!!!  You've been VERY missed around here and regardless of Grind it's just nice to have you back.  No apologies, no expectations, no pressure...just work on getting yourself well again.  This is a good day!
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jimilee

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #8 on: February 01, 2018, 04:03:15 PM »
HEY REJ!!!!! First let me say that itís great to see you back! I can speak for a lot of us when I say that we were worried and brought it up once or twice, and hoped you were ok. There are some of us that are relieved to see you and know youíre alright.
 Secondly, donít be ashamed of it, it happens to a lot of us, I am currently taking 3x the normal dose for anxiety myself.
You sir are still among friends, and a whole bunch of new faces too.


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GrindCustoms

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2018, 04:24:15 PM »
Much thanks for the comments and positive vibes, i really do appreciate it a lot, means the world to me....

But yeah, this ain't a coming back like: "I'll build 5 pedals a day and pull out a new design/product a week" thingy...
My goal is to genuinely bring back the good service i used to offer, before starting those FlyIn jobs.  I'm now in charge of the shipping wich have been a constant issue since i had an intermediate to take care of that.

But! Not right of now, but in a very close future, i'll be popping up some builds.... ....there's stuff that i've meant to build for ages and have'nt got into...

Also, i have to stock-up the store again and pay some bills within the GCFX crew/setup, so i'll put together my biggest PCB sale ever... ...i have 300+ projects from all over the place, sitting and seeing no use... some are pretty rare or no longer produced.

Part of that sale is also to finance the re-stock of the STM800 project and it's attached project aswell.... ....this is the most important (to me) project that we've ever put together and it sort of left a mark in the DIY community... ...got to make this great again...

I know that through my writings, lots is buisness focused, but it's a major concern for me, it's reputation, it's the collective effort of people i cherrish and i absolutely don't want all that work and awesome to be left in the dark.



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madbean

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2018, 04:43:20 PM »
Very glad to see you back, Rej. I was worried you might have actually turned into a Jeep!

GrindCustoms

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2018, 04:55:03 PM »
Very glad to see you back, Rej. I was worried you might have actually turned into a Jeep!

Thanks Brian, it could have happened but just before the mutation i've lost the garage i was renting.... ...i might turn into a Nissan/Infiniti tho... ...the drawback of being a "petrol head".

Much thanks for still hosting our section despite my very long absence, means a lot!
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BrianS

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2018, 05:27:25 PM »
Glad to see you back at this.  I didnít read any of the other replies so if this is repeated sorry.  You confronted personal problems, aired them out and explained what was going on.  That takes much courage so press on.  People just need to forgive and understand weíre all different and handle things in different ways.  Youíve been missed by loads of people on here.  Again, glad to see you back at this. 

chromesphere

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2018, 05:28:32 PM »
Good to see you back Rej.  We all trip and stumble at times.  Its human. 

If I could offer some sort of help from my own struggles I would say this.  That voice in your head that starts at you "You shouldn't have done that, you shouldn't have said that, why are you failing, you should be stronger" etc etc.  That's just your mind.  It likes to beat you up when your down and make things even harder.  Dont listen to it.  If those thoughts are not helpful just let them come and go like passing cars.  And just sit with those feelings and view them for what they are.  They become less frightening when you clear out all that "mind chatter".   I know this wont fix your troubles, I wish it could, but its so hard to be helpful from behind this keyboard.

Wishing you all the best mate
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GrindCustoms

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Re: ....and here I am now...!
« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2018, 05:35:39 PM »
Good to see you back Rej.  We all trip and stumble at times.  Its human. 

If I could offer some sort of help from my own struggles I would say this.  That voice in your head that starts at you "You shouldn't have done that, you shouldn't have said that, why are you failing, you should be stronger" etc etc.  That's just your mind.  It likes to beat you up when your down and make things even harder.  Dont listen to it.  If those thoughts are not helpful just let them come and go like passing cars.  And just sit with those feelings and view them for what they are.  They become less frightening when you clear out all that "mind chatter".   I know this wont fix your troubles, I wish it could, but its so hard to be helpful from behind this keyboard.

Wishing you all the best mate

Paul, what you are descibing here is pretty much the reality of things... ...i really like the expression "mind chatter"...

I've realised that once you're able to assume that there's a problem and go forward to "fix it"... ...lots becomes easier, it's less of a burden, but still... ...it's not like fixing a car or an amp... ...it's fixing your mindset and there's no "service manual" for that... ...so far it's probably the biggest challenge i've ever faced. Reason being is that i would have needed help way before i collapsed this past summer... ...i had always thought that i was strong enough to get over that by myself due to the many situations and plot twists that have occured in my life so far, i then realised that all those things i had went over, yes i went over but i did'nt all fix them correctly... ...and it catches up on you.
Killing Unicorns, day after day...

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